grateful attitude

I am still interested to reflect on the paradigm and how it affects either in small or great deal of one's behavior and actions. Now, it is something about how we receive and manage what is given to us.

Recently I am reading a very interesting book in Indonesian discussing about how to be a good steward especially something to do with managing the money and stuffs. He initiates a tricky talk on increasing income and getting some more. Yet when the discussion goes in the middle part of it, the author guides us the reader to realize that it is the paradigm first of all which needs to be evaluated. I am then very excited to know into what direction the author wants to lead us. He made a very good point that it must start with gratitude toward Him who cares what it really necessary for us. By then, we will have the courage to say enough, sparing good amount for others and not being caught with wanting for MUCH more attitude.

In continually giving thanks to the Lord for His love and presence, for what He allows us to have, for what He entrusts us with, we are glorifying Him and enjoying Him. In giving thanks unceasingly, we please His heart with sweet sound of praise, so that we won't be trapped with the worldly care, rather giving the whole works and heart unto Him who knows all.

Glory to You, O God!

transforming attitude

Life is very dynamic and I think it is wise to see that many times circumstances consists of challenges and opportunities. During the day both of them will actually appear, with one is more apparent at times. Yet, it is all provided by Our Supreme God out of his love and compassion to transform us and to make us in his own likeness. At times, I come to realize that one aspect of humility is moderation, for me personally this is true especially with something to do with emotions. One line which I really love from Jewish proverb which goes like, "This too, will pass." It is both sobering and comforting to remember this small phrase. Always be mindful and wise in responding any stimuli on our way. Anything over hurts and haste makes waste.

So, now back into emotions issue. I feel that it is somewhat powerful, because it just happens that way. We feel it and there we are swept by it: either joy, sadness, anger, anxiety, fear or anything. Yet, I find that even holy people and the saints sometimes have to face such strong emotions which let us know that they are humans like us! But what makes difference is that, they make friends with this language of the soul. The psalmists and many saints make use their feelings and genuine expression before the Lord and thus their very breath, anguish, song of joy and their very actions be a doxology to God. What I am trying to say here is that we can embrace our emotions and feelings, make friends with them to come the Lord in the journey of our salvation.

Thus, may those feelings not be distractions but on the contrary, be our intimate and personal alarm for us to seek the Lord and constantly be attentive to Him. And then, in everything, give thanks to the Lord!

live for God

The crown of meaning and beauty is You, O my Joy!
my Lord and Savior
how beautiful it is to pause and remember How You love me beyond me
that Your heart rejoices upon everything good that You set on me
You gave that trust, that love, that joy
so pure as the glimmering stream of fountain
'Cling on me! Feed on me. I am Good Shepherd' You call gently
Your embrace warms my soul, the sweetest of all
Everything is on Your mighty hands O Lord
Everything good is from You

Lord, it is trembling for me to draw so close to You
because Your beauty is so splendorous
You are the source of all
of all beauty and joy
Holy are You O God!

Lord, have mercy on Your little servant which You have created from dust
and that You have given life and gift of being
I am sinful, full of disgrace
but Your mercy I plea and Your love I trust... that You love me beyond me
may my life be totally for You and for Your Joy O Lord, nothing else
because I find nothing outside You
I can do nothing if not from Your mercy
There's no meaning but in Your bountiful blossom

Lead me, O Lord...
Save me, I am Yours
may I live for You and You alone, O Lord
in loving whom You love, the mankind and my neighbors
in rejoicing in Your joy
in weeping and caring for those who are in need
in taking care and being mindful of Your creation

in each step
in each breath
I am Yours

Bless, O Lord! Ameyn!

.. the God who loves me

My Strength, I play for you,
my citadel is God himself,
the God who loves me
(Psalm 60:17)

This verse is taken from one of the Psalms of 11th day. How beautiful and deep into the heart this prayer is, when St. David cried to the Lord with his whole being, ever trusting and contrite while spies were sent by king Saul to have him killed . He closed his prayer with a very beautiful praise out of his conviction, "the God who loves me."

May this become our prayer each time, especially in the world who hate us because we are Christ's. We walk with joy that cannot be shaken and courage from above. Let our thanks giving be overflowing, and we grow in awe before Him day after day, and even humbly we share this great love that we receive to others who are sent to us. Holy is the Lord!

My Strength, I play for you,
my citadel is God himself,
the God who loves me
(Psalm 60:17)

Each day....

The following passage I quoted from a very brilliant book from Archbishop Anthony Bloom "Beginning to Pray". It is very inspiring and touching me personally, so I would like to share it with you.

This day is blessed by God, and it is God's own and let us go into it. You walk in this day as God's own messenger; whomever you meet, you meet in God's own way. You are there to be the presence of the Lord God, the presence of Christ, presence of the Spirit, the presence of the Gospel -- This is your function in this particular day. God has never said that if you walk into a situation in His own Name, He will be crucified and you will be the risen one. You must be prepared to walk into situations, one after the other, in God's Name, to walk as the Son of God has done: in humiliation and humility, in truth and ready to be persecuted and so forth. Usually what we expect when we fulfill God's commandments is to see a marvelous result at once -- we read of that at times in the life of the saints. When, for instance when someone hits on one cheek, we turn the other one, although we don't expect to be hit at all, but we expect to see the other people say " What-- such a humility" -- you get your rewards and he gets the salvation of his soul. It does not work that way. You must pay the cost and very often you get hit hard. What matters is that you are prepared for that. As to the day, if you accept that today was blessed of God, chosen by God with His own hand, then every person you meet is a gift of God, every circumstance you will meet is a gift of God, whether it is bitter or sweet, whether you like or dislike it. It is God's own gift to you and if you take it that way, then you can face any situation. But then you must face it with the readiness that anything may happen, whether you enjoy it or not, and if you walk in the name of the Lord through a day which has come fresh and anew out of His own Hands and has been blessed for you to live with it, then you can make prayer and life really like two sides of one coin. You act and pray in one breath as it were, because all situations that follow one another require God's blessing.

Archbishop Anthony Bloom, Beginning to Pray, pp. 76-77.

A Christian Teacher's prayer

In the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen

Father in heaven, You love me and have taught me to love. Help me to share Your love with my students, their families and those who minister with me.

I need Your help, for without it I would have failed miserably long ago.

By Your Spirit empower me to teach Your children. This is a high calling filled with great responsibility.

Take my words, my actions, and my will and make them yours. May they always reflect Your joy and love.

I love Your Words. It gives me comfort and direction.

More than that, it shows me Your great love for me. It shows me Your Son, my Savior. It shows me how You love me in spite of my inadequacies and failures. Move me to read, study and meditate on Your Words. I need it. I love to teach it. I dedicate my life and my teaching to You.

Be with me every day, both in and out of my classroom.

I praise and thank You for giving me my abilities and my ministry as a teacher.

Use me as an instrument of Your will.

I rely on Your promise to stay beside me. Amen

*A beautiful prayer shared to me (us) in my first day of teachers training program at SDH (Sekolah Dian Harapan) Lippo Village, Jakarta.

there is place...

to sit down and be calm

in the shadow of the clouds

or among the tiny grass

which waves harmonically by the sweep of the wind

There the coconut trees spread their arms

facing up to the sky

when the falcon steps on its youngest

to look down into the tiny stream

all shining

all glistening

by the sunshine

thousands rays dispersing make all colourful

make all singing

a piece of happiness in others

Today I have a very long, unique and tiresome journey to Jakarta (I live in Tangerang, a satellite city of this town). When my Friend Ricki and Theresia his girlfriend and I came to attend some kind of national backpackers gathering, we expected to see bazaar, concert, or at least a talk show. Yet, when we arrived fifteen minutes earlier, we found our self in shock because nothing seemed to be appearing. Yes, there were some empty stands but the committeemen of this meeting was only one or two ready at place. Hm, well. Let's wait for another hour. Then we came back to the arena and there it was, a little progress a bit more people came over and started to set up the boot. It's really interesting and fun to notice. Although a part of us whispered 'O, come on, it should be more than this'..., but most of my part saw a cool and amusing experience this going to be. Indeed it is! There would be always fun side of any circumstances, even the disappointing one (oops, hehe) like this event. All three of us shared a common good taste of humour and that's it! 'People is our mission...' and there are three people in good company! All the way of seeing the event going until quite evening (8 pm) until we arrived at home, we cherish the warm and good conversation about mundane things. I personally am sorry for this event which letting them (Ricki and Terre) down, but I am also thankful for the good companion that they share! This worth it!

What I learn today is that it is so beautiful and good to see the piece of happiness in others. Besides, we can always choose and decide our response to any circumstances that we are in! Glory to God!

walk silently

Noisy not only outside

but at times also inside

illusion, deception and imagination

keeps coming and going as the wind about the window

some things happen

some hidden

what occurs outside

all the phenomenon which finally will pass

stay still, be in manner

turn toward, and not away

embrace it and accept with a calm mouth

walk in peace,

in the humming of the lips

silently pray

watch and pray, do it in stillness

stillness in the midst of violence

from Sunday to Sunday

One thing that mark a Sunday, it is joyful! Because then I go to the house of the Lord, meeting brothers and sisters in the Lord and pray. This is a heartfelt joy to step into the gate and to kiss the icon, smell the heavenly scent of the incense and follow along the chants and songs to the Lord. To see his servant, his living icon ministering His beloved people with the Holy Mystery. Glory to You, O Lord!

Every time I went home from God's holy temple, I feel the overflowing joy. It is the seed and even the shoots of the desire for holiness and closeness to loving Christ remaining in heart, as I swing from a bus to another, going home. Christ, the true lover of our soul is present among us! Glory be to God the Father and the Son and Holy Spirit.

Soon, Monday will come and those cares and activities being entrusted to us are readily to occupy the days in the week. But let all those things only bring us nearer and nearer to the Lord, to serve Him and to share the Love which he gives us so generously in our simplest and tangible ways. May the Lord keeps us vigilant, watchful and full of joy until the next Sunday, when we, in the mercy of God are allowed to partake in His royal chamber! Ameyn!

Joy by Fr. Alexander Schmemann

The source of false religion is the inability to rejoice, or, rather, the refusal of joy, whereas joy is absolutely essential because it is without any doubt the fruit of God’s presence. One cannot know that God exists and not rejoice. Only in relation to joy are the fear of God and humility correct, genuine, fruitful. Outside of joy, they become demonic, the deepest distortion of any religious experience. A religion of fear. Religion of pseudo-humility. Religion of guilt: They are all temptations, traps – very strong indeed, not only in the world, but inside the Church. Somehow “religious” people often look on joy with suspicion.

The first, the main source of everything is “my soul rejoices in the Lord…” The fear of sin does not save from sin. Joy in the Lord saves. A feeling of guilt or moralism does not liberate from the world and its temptations. Joy is the foundation of freedom, where we are called to stand. Where, how, when has this tonality of Christianity become distorted, dull – or rather, where, how, why have Christians become deaf to Joy? How, when and why, instead of freeing suffering people, did the Church come to sadistically intimidate and frighten them?

* This excerpt is from “The Journals of Father Alexander Schmemann, 1973-1983″, cited from this blog

new opportunity

Praise the Lord that my university years has been accomplished, this is all because of His mercy and goodness. All the friendships and love that has been shared, both the crest and the valley of emotions, it has bee a really colorful journey and I am grateful for that. Very especially also for the provision from God, those whom He has sent me very mercifully! Lord is good and His mercy endures forever.

Now, however is time to move with another step in a slightly different setting. After being used to live in a conditioned environment of dormitory, I am living in a much more independent setting in 'real world'. There are much opportunity here and there to grow, to be more mature and to take appropriate role in the community and even in the life of the Church.

Sometimes living somehow by myself, having much privacy and freedom can be both challenge and privilege. Yes, especially when it relates to self-control in almost anything. So, I reflect this on the lives of those who are pleasing to God, how they live their young adult life and how they keep their heart clean before the Lord. I come to this brief axiom, "If this pleasure is against God's pleasure, I won't take it. Let my joy is only in pleasing Him." There are so much pleasures out there which this hedonistic world has to offer, but the real joy could only be found in the sweetest Lover of our Soul, Lord Jesus Christ in the life of Holy Trinity.

Glory to You, O God!

guarding the thought

Once again I am reminded that it is what comes out of the heart which is really crucial in our relation with God and others. Most of our conscious actions starts with the thoughts, thus it is what in our minds which needs very careful attention and watchfulness. And it is very important to deliberately discern, and fill our hearts and minds with noble and righteous thoughts for the glory of God,

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things [are] noble, whatever things [are] just, whatever things [are] pure, whatever things [are] lovely, whatever things [are] of good report, if [there is] any virtue and if [there is] anything praiseworthy meditate on these things. (Philippians 4:8) - NKJV

How beautiful this instruction is... and truly, the good thoughts and thoughts that honor God brings peace and joy from the Lord feeding our souls with the fear of God. While all accusations, merciless and evil thoughts produces sickness of the mind. So, whenever it becomes our part, keep our eyes and minds on those who are pleasing unto God and shut and not to entertain thoughts which brings nothing but misery.

Glory to You, O Lord, Glory to You!

in stillness

my heart becomes like a day with various weathers

it can not be called stable

feelings come and go by, but God's love never does

It stays still and never fails

I try to breathe more slowly

being more aware of this reality

that my life continues because He sustains me

it is on Him I will rely

until the very end of my breath in the death bed

but it's only His mercy and faithfulness makes this possible

since I have no power and confidence from my own self

My life is so simple

beautiful or not I know not

it's like a cup

the hollow is what makes it

here I just want to accept

what it brings

no wish, no expectation, non-action

just live today and let it go

Glory to You, O God, Glory to You!

Milim

When I think of smallest act of grateful heart, that would be a smile
smile of acceptance and willingness
to greet every morning, every season
every leave in the forest and every bird in the branch
with a silent and serene heart
every moment is great
this very minute and second is wonderful
be it time of chronic loneliness
be it time of chaotic togetherness
I just want to smile, even only half smile
because the goodness of God is so trustworthy
He cares and gives me what He deems me best
my heart stays still

Thus I can stay calm and choose to sing
His greatness and mighty acts
either in laughter or in tears
because He is good! His mercy endures forever
yes, there are much sorrows in the world
there are much sorrows in me
suffering is the crown of my life
but He is Greater far than my mere pains
I am too small to grasp His abundant mercy

So I just want to wait and see
silencing my heart
and close my mouth with my hands, uttering no word
calm O my soul, trust Your Lover
it is to Him You will return
Glorify Him no matter what!

Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

I'm so grateful

It's so sweet when I reflect on the things that seems works slowly yet I know it is growing upward. Thank God! May His Name be blessed forever and ever. To abide in Him and continually cling in Him is what I would remember until my last breath. Because there is no other power or strength which I can rely on but God's. So, whatever happens with me I can always sing, 'It is well with my soul', because God always does what He deems best. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Merciful Lord

The Lord has been so merciful to me, especially when I look back to the past, great things He has done to me out of His compassion. I am so grateful for his protection and mercy which is so real and tangible. His way is so great and full of mystery but in His kindness it is made known and especially for my heart to feel.

What I need to keep in mind and heart is to trust Him and rely on His strength to step in the way that He shows... Trust and obey, for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey. Glory to You, O Lord! Glory to You!

difficult road

what makes it difficult? Because I don't have inner peace. The peace that will make me unshakable like a mountain and so flexible like water on the flow. Lord, have mercy! May I always sing of Your praises in every moment that You still allow me to live. In each step O Lord, grant me humility and willingness to love, to be vulnerable and bread for all to eat.

Stay still and acceptive, know that the Lord is in control. Be grateful of any circumstances as God works graciously for the goodness of the soul. Stay silent and pray, pray constantly and wait unto Him.

Glory to You, O Lord! Glory to You!

smile in a mundane day

It's been an exciting moment for me to wait and expect for the working time as university years are finishing. Trully, I trust in God's mercy and guidance to work even in my weaknesses to His glory. There are many arrangement needs to be made including the place to live, how to get to work, new things to adapt and to cope with. Really, it will be a quite transition for me. Lord, have mercy! I need the wisdom and strength that comes from You to deal with each and every encounters so that Your commandments is what I obey and follow.

God's written commandments will be my guide in every moment to learn the will of God in life. There are moments when I fail to guard myself and thus I bring trouble into myself. But eventually I realize that only in God alone there is perfect rest and joy. In Christ alone does this life has meaning. He is the source of my life and to Him I belong.

Lord, bless. Save me, I am Yours!

a dew that after a cloud

when it is raining under the cloud,
between the heart and the land
between the sky and the eyes
between the ears and the winds
all the leaves screams, as the view being gray

One step, one drop
happiness in each breath and smile
happiness in simplicity of the road
seeing the birds, flowers and ugliness of the rubish
they are in harmony, an awkward but silently there

a dew that after a cloud

facing it...

Wait and return later...

see the rainbow is still in the back of the hill

the doves are just about to fly

the blossoming flowers are watching for the morning dew

It is at hand...

and then I smile hopefully

only a few more time

and the sky is blue

only wait slightly longer

and face whatever comes in this short time

Only Lord, grant me Thy strength..

Let Thy Name be glorified....

Amen!

The Lorica of Saint Patrick

I arise today in vast might,
in vocation of the Trinity,
belief in a Threeness,
confession of Oneness,
towards the Creator.

I arise today
in the might of Christ’s Birth & His Baptism,
in the might of His Crucifixion & Burial,
in the might of His Resurrection & Ascension,
in the might of His Descent to the Judgment of Doom.

I arise today
in the might of the order of Cherubim,
in obedience of angels,
in ministrations of Archangels,
in hope of resurrection for the sake of reward;
in prayers of Patriarchs,
in predictions of Prophets,
in preachings of Apostles,
in faith of Confessors,
in innocence of Holy virgins,
in deeds of Righteous men.

I arise today
in the might of Heaven,
brightness of Sun,
whiteness of Snow,
splendor of Fire,
speed of Lightning,
swiftness of Wind,
depth of Sea,
stability of Earth,
firmness of Rock.

I arise today
in the Might of God for my piloting,
Power of God for my upholding,
Wisdom of God for my guidance,
Eye of God for my foresight,
Ear of God for my hearing,
Word of God for my utterance,
Hand of God for my guardianship,
Path of God for my precedence,
Shield of God for my protection,
Host of God for my salvation,
Against snares of demons!
Against allurement of vices!
Against solicitations of nature!
Against every person that wishes me ill,
far and near, alone and in a crowd!

I invoke therefore all these forces
against every fierce, merciless force
that may come against my body and my soul:
Against incantations of false prophets!
Against black laws of paganism!
Against false laws of heresy!
Against encompassment of idolatry!
Against spells of seductresses,
tinkers and druids!
Against all knowledge that is forbidden
the human soul!

Christ for my guardianship today
against poison,
against burning,
against drowning,
against wounding,
that there may come to me a multitude of rewards.

Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ under me,
Christ over me,
Christ to right of me,
Christ to left of me,
Christ in lying down,
Christ in sitting,
Christ in rising up.
Christ in the heart of every person who may think of me,
Christ in the mouth of every person who may speak to me,
Christ in every eye which may look on me,
Christ in every ear which may hear me.

I arise today in vast might,
in vocation of the Trinity,
belief in a Threeness,
confession of Oneness,
meeting in the Creator.

Salvation is of the Lord,
Salvation is from the Lord,
Salvation is in Christ!
May we always remain in Your Salvation, O Lord!
Amen!

Terimakasih, Ayah! Saya mengopi doa yang sangat indah ini dari blogmu! Aku sungguh mencintaimu, Ayah!

awareness of limit

I have just been realized that I am not unlimited :D. I have certain boundaries in strength and capacity. In some simple case, be it time or energy, when tiredness is the sign that my body uses as a sign to pause. But sometimes I am just very excited with things in life so I just delay the fatigue and continuing my activities. I need to be more aware that I am limited and to listen to what my body tells me.

I feel a little bit sick, not in negative sense, I am grateful for this because then I have the reason to take a rest. Many times I find that during the time when I have to lay down in weakness, that's a very good time to be touched by God and letting ourselves to be kept in God's presence. The Lord is Good, His mercy endures forever. Not only for myself, I pray even in my fatigue and little sickness, God may transform it into blessing to others as well. I know that it is not very comfortable bodily, but I trust in God's goodness that He is the source of my genuine comfort. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Persisting in Love

Keep love and do what is true, noble and good according to God's will. It is the Lord God who give commandments. He also who grants us grace to fullfil his biddings. I am very glad to read this little beautiful quotation from St. Ephraim the Syrian:

When you begin to read or listen to the Holy Scriptures, pray to God thus: "Lord Jesus Christ, open the ears and eyes of my heart so that I may hear Thy words and understand them, and may fulfill Thy will." Always pray to God like this, that He might illumine your mind and open to you the power of His words. Many, having trusted in their own reason, have turned away into deception.
(St. Ephraim the Syrian)

To keep doing what is pleasing unto God and to live under His tender mercy is only possible when we put our constant thought in rememberance of God and His mighty deeds, dwelling in Him and relying our strength in Him, because outside of the Lord we can do nothing. It is a synergia, when we are willing to surrender and to obey His commandments. Our task is to say Yes whenever He asks! Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

my strength is from the Lord

When I have to walk through the path of uncertainty and constant change, I need to remember this: that the Lord is always in His love guiding me unto Himself and His love and faithfulness is beyond what I can think. That's not only comforting but true. The world would not consume me in its vanity as long as the Lord in me and I am in Him. The chain of misseries, sadness and sorrow would not be an end in itself, because it is turned into the path of peace and love. I also need to remember that He gives and allows only what is good in His eyes, not beyond our capacity. He is a Father who knows everything about us and doing everthing well.

Thus, what I need to do in life is to continually hearing His voice and obeying what He says. Through easy and dangerous road, through valley and through the hill. He is the Truth, the Way and the Life. He had taken that path for us to go, and He knows perfectly our struggle and He is ever ready to give His hands to sustain and save us. Why? Because we are His.

Glory to You, O Lord! Teach me Your statutes because You are my God!

Joyous Hope

It is good to read this beautiful and poetical truth of our faith, written by St. Paul:

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

(Rom 8:31-39 KJV)

Ameyn! Glory to You, O Lord! Glory to You!

heartfelt process

In life, there are things which seem to be very slow and small. It is like dropping single droplet of blue ink to make 6,000 Gallons of water to be blue. Patience and perseverance is what is needed and sustaining us not to fall and to lose hope. What is very important is the keeping of the steps, keep moving and advancing however small it is. Like the little shoot of the tree, it is no matter how much it grows but whether it grows or not which matters. Because when it is not growing means it's dead. Continual perseverance to return to Christ and abiding in His embrace: there lies our strength and true hope.

For my case, it is not rare for me to be down and start being frustrate of the difficulties of life and its miseries. I forgot that during my life on earth, my task is to trust Him in whatever circumstances, even in the great cruelty of the world. That is to focus on Him who doeth all things well and not in my fragile and vulnerable self. Yet, he also entrust me to do this task: to add only single droplet of blue ink to make 6,000 gallons of water in the tank be blue.

Keep my eyes, ears and heart steadfast on You and You alone, O Lord! Ameyn!

need or no need

Need is a very subjective term. Since most of the time it depends on who and how. Therefore when it comes to me to be asked of what I really need, I don't really know or understand. Sometimes, what I thought as needs are the worries, passions or desires. So, coming deeper, what do I really need? Survival needs? Anyway.

This reflection brings me to the thought of moderation and keeping the least and the most necessary things in life only, by not burdening life with too much care. Be it called as survival stuffs, only the things which sustain our physical life. It is hard and some might say that it is blur to define need as really need when it is mixed up with all those things as desire, passion, lust and even greed. One thing is needful for us, the kingdom of God. And I keep it in mind.

left empty

A beautiful cup is regarded good because of its hollow part because it is what makes a cup. And life is consisting parts of this holes and bumpy spaces. It's not easy for me sometimes to comprehend that life becomes very intense, emotional and even crucial. There are times when I get so much upset with what doesn't feel so right and hollow.

I'd like to see anything at least looks appropriate and the way it is, but it just doesn't come as they are expected to be. The thirst can be so compelling and it makes me forget that it is so much OK to be hollow and empty. I feel a bit relieve now for knowing this. However, this doesn't mean that I am being dependent of my cognitive power to suggest myself, but at least it can be a little bit reminder. When I feel the compulsive wispher, then I'd assure myself to just let it hollow and empty. Because it is so often that I am persuaded to fill the emptiness as soon as possible and in the easiest way that can be. For example by being nice to feel the sensation or impression from others, avoiding the feeling lonely by pretending to be social, etc.
And I am amazed that out there there are many books which will eagerly teach me how to fulfill the emptiness and the blank to be full in certain ways.

But now I realize and I will let this emptiness. It's a gift among others to keep remind us of He who loves us so very much. And if it's pleasing for Him, let His hands only makes it full. But even if not, thank God, He knows the best! Journey to accept and to tolerate emptiness is not very easy but it's very provoking and I am into it. Be it empty! :)

and others

Happiness greets me in the morning, as I consciously breathed my first breath for the day, thank God. I stopped for awhile when passing through the two cute fish and stay with them for slight moment on the way to the icon corner.

As I step outside, I can see the beauty on the trees, on the sky, on the sand, in the eyes of passer-by. I am really grateful for today. Beauty fills every ray of sunshine. I whisper my heart, "receivie whatever happens with open hands.... let others gives whatever they want to give, be it a blessing or a curse; since they are sincere... and may I give what I have to help specific needs that they have.."

As I stood to greet each people in the public to offer them opportunity to give, to join foster parent program this noon, and to give the flyers... I was so excited. It's new for me personally and it is good to help me realize, "it is not about me.. it's about Him and about them!" I am thankful for this too. Glory to you, O God! Glory to You!

Three little creatures (my new pet)

Yesterday I went to my campus event EXIT (Extending Indonesian Tourism), and I am interested to see the Nihon part of it... that is to catch a fish with a paper. Certainly not an easy task, especially when the fish are not quite much in a spacious pool, but it was really fun. My friend Dewi, Darwin and I took some time to catch those beautiful tiny creatures. Shortly, Dewi and I got three fish to bring home. I then put it into mini aquarium in my room. I am really excited to watch and play with them. One of really good strategies to exercise patience and care toward other makhluk. I hope they will stay alive and get bigger.

Everytime I see them moving really lively, I am amazed at the goodness and beauty that the Lord bestows on His lovely creation. These there fish which I named Cho'Em, Phi'Em and Lie'Em also help me to be awake when I do my stuffs with my laptop. Glory to You, O Lord! Glory to You!

the net

"[T]he Lord always offers us a way out, He tears the net so we can escape, but on our own, we can only be caught. It is for Him to tear the net. Our part is to not walk into the net with our eyes open". This line speaks very deeply to me. Trusting the Lord and being obedient to Him the whole days of my life has been decided to be my ultimate path. I realize that at times I fall and being dragged in to the deep unknown side, but He is there, always loving and sustaining. In Christ alone my soul finds its rest and peace forever.

It is His mercy, faithfulness and power which I trust. He is leading me home, leading me unto Himself. Glory to You, O Lover of mankind! I am following behind you, O Lord! Save me, I am Yours!

no expectation

Here I come back to the sort of escapism which I really love, that is to cut off my wish and expectations in life. When I feel that there are too lofty and many wishes and expectations in life, there it begins the distractions and counter-productive tendencies such as sadness, etc. Therefore, I just want throw off those useless silly things which entrapped me. It is not for the sake of 'feeling good about me', but in order to stay balance and in harmony, that is to stay still and peace.

When I ponder on this, I find that it is very beautiful, it is a state of liberation from the compulsiveness of desire. When I join in competition, I don't have to win. When I run, I don't have to be fast. When I eat, I don't have to be full. When I look around, they don't have to be beautiful. When I speak and sing, they don't have to listen. When I come, they don't have to welcome. It's free, flowing like a river cross down a mountain, like a fragrant flower which doesn't make up its sweetness. Like the birds which sing and chant in the morning. All as it is, without have to.

It comes so freely and only in freedom, so it becomes pure and good. But you don't have to be free either. Just accept and go with the flow of mercy. Willingly to bear pain yet wound-less. With smile and perception because the world don't have to be harmless.

stay in the center

To be calm and peaceful. I am often dreaming myself to be that one sometimes. I am very amazed of the hesychasts who are granted the inner peace. Well, in this life I do not know so many things, including lots of how to's but I don't think I should or need to know all. My favourite figures? I love the harmless, meek but very wise like Yuddhistira, Zughe Liang, Tong Sam Chong, Lao Zi and many others. I just feel that I really like them! This piece from Lao zi is very fragrant for my soul, I really love it:

True perfection seems imperfect,

yet it is perfectly itself.

True fullness seems empty,

yet it is fully present.

True straightness seems crooked.

True wisdom seems foolish.

True art seems artless.

The Master allows things to happen.

She shapes events as they come.

She steps out of the way

and lets the Tao speak for itself.

(Tao Te Ching, v. 45)

I don't think that Lao zi would like the idea of 'studying the text', even upon his beautiful poetry. So, I will let it just as it is; to be read in its beauty and marvel and simplicity. Whenever I read this text, I feel like I am in the cool sides of mountainous plateau of the Northern land above Indochina with its serenity and mystical nature. I learn that it is in the state of openness and sincere acceptance of circumstances and in trusting in the goodness of the Lord, we would lay aside the worldly cares to accept Him who is Everything.

To be sober and mindful. It sounds so cool. Yet, I also realize that I would be tempted until my last breath. But I want to cling to the Strong Rock, my Fortress, and my soul will be refreshed. So, I will stay in the centre, near to the heart of the Lover of Mankind who is forever faithful, to walk in the path He has taken with serenity and peace in my heart. Lord, have mercy!

A new simplicity

A temptation to be sophisticate and excellent sometimes grab my attention. I forget sometimes the happiness of being so simple and small. True, living in this very comfortable environment and setting enrich my mind with vocabularies and may be life style. But I think I must not forget of where I am from and it is worth it to keep that in mind and flow with the nature, expecting not more than I deserve.

Happiness in being simple and small! I think this is cool. But do I mean not progressing, persisting on the given situation and being deterministic? At some degree yes. But not totally and extremely. It is the moderation which takes very important role here, to accept whatever comes joyfully and thankfully. It never goes as easy as it is spoken but it is, for certain, easy and light.

Be enough and say enough anytime. God is in control, He knows perfectly. Whatever I am facing and whoever being sent to me, they are blessing from the Most High! What else could I be thankful for? God is All-Love! Be cheerful. Be cheerful giver. Be merciful and gentle. Chant his praises continually in your heart, invoke His name with love and warmness of heart so that your soul will blossom with the flowers of righteousness and godly love. Glory to You O God! Glory to You!

when time is near

Even the river and branches of the trees silence me
Thanks for this loneliness
I want to stay still and smile
because time never leaves me but consume me
bring me to the desert to learn
sweet sweet joy
radiantly, strangely glistening

I will try to keep smiling
help me, O merciful One
I rely on you I will be here and keep watch
only never leave me
I trust in You
I will wait and wait until Your face smile to my poor face

Lord, I know how unworthy I am before you
even to untie Your sandal and to gaze upon You, I am undeserved
and I know that from the dust you made me
only a puff of wind is my life
but Lord, my soul and spirit thirst of You
I can not but longing for Your mercy

Lord, have mercy!

The Love of God

This song describes very solemnly the Love of God! I really love it:

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Refrain

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

Ameyn! Ameyn! Ameyn!

Homily On The Changing of Water Into Wine

Following sermon is from beloved Saint Nikolai of Serbia:
This beginning of miracles did Jesus in Cana of Galilee (John 2:11).Our God is Almighty; and His power has no limit and is beyond description. He created all that was created by His Word: By the Word of the Lord the heavens were made (Psalm 33:6). By His Word, He created the body of man. By the Word of God, lifeless earth is transformed into the bodies of men, animals and plants. By the Word of God, flowing water is changed into vapor, and vapor into ice and snow. By this same Word, the water in a vine is changed into wine, wine that maketh glad the heart of man (Psalm 104:15). Therefore, how difficult a miracle was it for the Word of God Incarnate-Christ our Lord-to change water into wine in Cana? For us men, darkened by sin, this is a great miracle; for our nature, weakened by sin, it is an unattainable miracle. Yet, isn't the working of miracles the usual occupation of the Creator? When the servants filled the six large vessels with water, the Lord Christ said to them: Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast (John 2:8). He did not even say, ``Let the water become wine,'' he merely thought it. For God's thoughts have the same power as His words.Why is it said that this was the ``beginning of miracles,'' when it appears that, long before this miracle, the Lord worked other miracles? Because, brethren, the changing of water into wine is the fundamental miracle of Christ, and is the essence of all His miracles. Human nature was diluted with its own tears, and it was necessary to change it into wine. The divine spark in man was extinguished, and it was necessary to rekindle it. Infirmity is like water, health is like wine; the impurities of the evil spirits are like water, purity is like wine; death is like water, life is like wine; ignorance is like water, truth is like wine. Hence, whenever the Lord made the sick whole, the impure pure, the dead alive, and prodigals enlightened, He essentially turned water into wine.O Lord our God, Thou miraculous Transformer of water into wine: bring Thy divine flame to our extinguished hearth. Transform the water of our being into divine wine, that we may be like unto Thee-and that we may thus abide with Thee in Thine Immortal Kingdom, with Thy radiant angels.To Thee be glory and praise forever. Amen."
And the Lord heard St.Nikolai's supplication.
(Quoted from David's blog, Finding the way to the heart)

Song of joy

The Lord is good! Who is like our God? Full of compassion and majesty. It's awesome when my heart come into this reflection. He created us and gives us capacity to respond to His Love and to be capable of Him by his grace. I am especially fascinated to watch a very brilliant Jewish movie entitled "Ushpizin" (Aramaic means Succoth guests) which my Dad shared me. The story is so dynamics with emotions and thrilling moments. Moshe faced the tests for his faith: financial problems and difficulty to bear child. The story was set during Jewish feast of Succoth. Moshe and his wife Mali prayed and waited earnestly God's help for them to be able to celebrate Succoth for the Lord. And The Lord answered them miraculously, sending them helps more than they asked for. And there they were able to celebrate a very good celebration of Succoth, even God also sent them the guests.

The guests were two convicts who just went out of prison whom one of them happened to be Moshe's old friend when he lived his old life style. It was such a big test for Moshe to host these two guests. Their attitude and behavior were really a potential down for her soft-hearted wife. And as it can be expected, Mali (his wife) couldn't hold it anymore and wanted to leave Moshe. Moshe was so much crushed. He missed his wife and tried his very best to make Mali come home, which was very likely impossible. His friends started to changed their minds and asked for his forgiveness. Moshe pardoned them! But, one more test was faced by him.. "The Diamond" that is the citron for him to have a beautiful son was eaten by His friends; made into salad! Moshe couldn't hold it anymore and burst out in anger. He then wept bitterly in the wilderness and begging for God's mercy to strengthen them.

The clouds were finally unveiled from his mind. His wife returned home telling him that she was pregnant; a golden boy! What a joy! Lord is good!

I realize that I couldn't express the review of this movie very well... but one thing I keep in my mind: trust in the Goodness of the Lord! Glory to you, O God! Glory to You!

יְהִי שֵׁם יְהוָה מְבֹרָךְ-- מֵעַתָּה, וְעַד-עוֹלָם
Blessed be the name of the LORD from this time forth and forevermore! - Psalm 113:2

Be Thou my Vision...

The words from this hymn which came from 6th century Irish Christian have touched me so deeply. It is so sweet and true. Especially when I reflect back what it tells to the article shared by brother David, about trusting the goodness of God.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul's Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Ameyn!

Aposticha

The woman had fallen into many sins, O Lord,
yet when she perceived Thy divinity,
she joined the ranks of the myrrh bearing women.
In tears she brought Thee myrrh before Thy burial.
She cried, "Woe is me!
For I live in the night of licentiousness,
shrouded in the dark and moonless love of sin.
But accept the fountain of my tears.
O Thou who didst gather the waters of the sea into clouds.
Bow down Thine ear to the sighing of my heart,
O Thou who didst bow the heavens in Thine ineffable condescension.
Once Eve heard Thy footstep in paradise in the cool of day,
and in fear she ran and hid herself.
But now I will tenderly embrace those pure feet
and wipe them with the hair of my head.
Who can measure the multitude of my sins,
or depth of Thy judgments, O Savior of my soul?
Do not despise Thy servant in Thine immeasurable mercy.
(poem of nun Casia, sung on the Aphosticha, Holy Wednesday matins)

taken from The Living God: A catechism volume I - p.170.

This Sunday

How I wait for the day of the ressurection so that I might worship God in the sanctuary. But I know that even though the physical temple where faithful can gather has not built yet, I can humbly worship him in the temple of my heart. I want to ascend and go in there humbly and solemnly when all is about the Lord and his Love. Glory to You, O God. Glory to You!

I am waiting for You, O Lord, in the gate of your temple. May in your great mercy You let me in regardless of my unworthiness, purify me O Lord. Yes, Lord even though I would be the most back row of Your Holy People, I would be glad only to gaze to Your beautiful countenance and majestic radiance of Your face. Have mercy on me, Lord! Have mercy on me!

Help me in my loneliness and fragility. Strengthen and refresh me by the power of your Commandments. Lord, I do not find love in me. I have spoiled the mercy and faithfulness You granted me and too much concern with my own foolishness. Lord, save me for I am Yours. Never abandon me, O Lord. Remember your lowly servant. Forgive me and grant me courage!

Bless O Lord, Your Holy Church... Perserve and strengthen it. Heal the schisms of the churches, quench the ragings of the heathen, speedily undo and root out the growth of heresies, and bring them to nothing by the power of Your Holy Spirit. And regard and remember me O Lord, as the part of Your Church by Your mercy! Amen!

Stand firm

Keep advancing in the world of much unknown, with a brave steps passing through the valley and the stars. Even though there are much uncertainties out there in the world of who knows. But at least there are still someone we can ask and share to. Stand firm and immovable in the ground given you where all the things seem to have their own ways and ideas. But once you hear The Sound which is the genuine sound which bring you home. Follow this until the end.

There are too many things to be grateful for. Yes, sometimes it is apparent and visible, thus I am thankful for that. But I also realize that there are much more which are invisible but so much real. I hope my mind is always awake and be ready to leap in joy and in moderation to remember it and to praise God whole-heartedly. Only give yourself up for those who need you desperately. Sometimes they need it just a little part of you. Be it your feet, be it your smile, be it your time, be it your hands, or be it your ears. Just keep watch and be available, because they can come anytime on your way. Don't forget to bring the oil and the lamp with you so that you will be able to see clearly and not be stumbled.

Step forward in an eager heart. When you slip and fall, look up and say, "Lord, have mercy!" so that He might lift you up and refresh your soul. This is a fierce and constant battle. See those comrades, bountiful comrades with you who keeps you stand, then stand firm and look forward to the joyous merry. Only look compassionately, meekly and gently, be harmless like a dove before your enemies.

honestly

I said to one of my friends when I walked crossing the park last night, "I think I need to learn to be humble, especially in the willingness in asking questions to the things that I don't really know." And he said, "Yes, you are right." Thus, I have made up my mind to be honest to myslef, to others and to God regarding lots of things that I do not really understand. My culture has taught me enough to be polite and pretend to quickly understand inorder to not hurting someone. Thus, personally when I reflect on my own communication style, most of my messages are in answering tone, description of facts. It is a kind of being pressed by myself to be knowledgeable and ready to answer.

Thus I am impressed with one of my friends who is really good and humble questioner. He is learning about the Orthodox faith and use to asking sincere and honest questions with respect and dignity. May the Lord bless him abundantly!

I realize now that to ask question and to say, "you are right" to others requires humility. It has to do with putting ourselves as the one who needs help and others as our guide. Even in small sense, it trains us to realize that we need others' helps and to love them.

With learning eyes

The artist' eyes have its sharpness and can captivate beauty because they desire to learn. He sleeps and awakes while listening to anything open to him, and keeps watchfull. Even though when he is not being very awake, at least he has such a heart that when that rare inspiration comes, he is ready to grasp it.

Everything is provided for us to learn, to repent and to come back to our senses and to flee to God. The Lord is ever good and faithful. His mercy is beyond what human mind could imagine. No person knows us so intimately, so deeply and so available as the Lord our Creator himself. And this is a previlege for us to return to Him and confess our sins and to live in communion with Him. God's love is the sweetness of our minds, body and soul. What could be our highest and sweeetest theme of our hymns and praises but the Lord himself?

Thus, accepting with open heart whatever comes to us and trusting God who works good for those who love Him is act of grateful soul. Heartful obedience and love is to love Him will our whole being: heart, mind, body, strength, and embracing others in that trust to the Lord. May everything that we do is because we want to please God! Glory to God!

Waiting and beyond

There is a time when I let the silence and shaddow pass through me. Because it is the wisest thing to do at the moment: to stay still and quiet after the sound of soundlessness. To make the motion of thought pure and still, to relect better of the reality and to restrain the body from doing unneccesary toil. I am also reminded that nothing should be done exceedingly. One day has its own difficulty, so be sufficient with what He sends today and give Him praise for all things.

What I need to do is just practice a little without expectation and ambition. Do anything good joyfully and wholeheartedly and then leave it. Just receive what is my part and with little part by little part in prayer, without a desire of recognition and prestige. Breath deliberately and thankfully, with hidden smile and tears.

Obedience is such a great power and at the same time humility. There is no substitute for its power. Keep practicing and doing what is good only piece by piece just like we eat spoon by spoon. It is very long and deliberate process and not over night show. Yet, however slow, its steadiness and meakness is what makes it unshakable. Wait and walk slowly, walk heartfully, there is no need to hurry and to be significant. Just look to Him who is in the front of you and follow....

take a little rest

Human has limit; I am limited as well. Finishing the final project has been a really good time to stretch the mind and physical body to its furthest. And now I guess it is time to respect my body and take a little bit rest. Some of my friends still need my help though, so I will tell them if I can or cannot. Since I realize that I am not the only one who is able to help, so I'd suggest them to find some other nice guys out there to help with Abstract algebra and et cetera, I will be so glad if they come to me at other times.

Taking a rest is very important to be effective and useful. I really love to take a nap and then doing some other activities afterward. When I am tired, I found myself disconnected and less communicative. So, the only way is to ask Lord's blessing upon taking a rest and plea His to wake me up to glorify and give His name praise. I am thankful for His mercy and faithfulness so that finally I could submit the final paper on March 07. For the next phase and process, I trust the Lord who knows the best. By then, what I could do is just to wait and smile...; to admit if there is some mistakes, to say alright when the jury ask to revise, to answer when they ask and to hear from them their decision if I pass or not.

March has been very hectic month, but surely I will miss it one day in my life. Especially when I continue growing up and leaving my youthful days! Anyway, now I am still young and I want to praise God for this. All the rest, I trust him to guard his little servant.

Tangible way

When the world seems very complex and sophisticated, it is always a good time to flee into simplicity. Simplicity of life and matters. Sometimes, what makes happiness really hard to grasp is because we put it too high or too deep. Imagination and illusion costs such an believable effect on day to day circumstances. "I will be happy if..." there it goes the conditional premise which make the mirrage of hypothetical world. True, something 'higher' or 'deeper' at times can be really tempting and somehow life tends to be directed to that something. But what about here and now? Should we ignore and hate it? If we could not rejoice and thankful for the things of today, how could we be rejoice and thankful for the things of tomorrow?

One simple step, one simple smile and one simple nodd, through one simple action of love and faith which can be expressed in tangible way as a time is such a grace which God bestows on us. I warn myself to be aware of the things that are too high for myself. The desire of security in life, of possessions, of imaginations, of money, power and recognition.I want to be ordinary person, who smiles sincerely and from the heart. Every good gifts come from the Lord, I just need to wait and obey.

I am happy, yes I am happy because I know whom I belive and that I don't create myself. Everything is in His hands and that in His hands everything is secure. Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

Sacrifice of Isaac

Following passage is my favorite part from The Living God book which was sent by my Dad,

"Remember that patriarch Abraham and his wife Sarah had a son in their old age, Isaac, according to the promise which the Lord had made them. One can easily imagine Abraham's and Sarah's great joy at the birth of their first child, and the love with which they surrounded Isaac, who had been given to them by God as a reward for their faith, with the promise of a multitude of descendants. But God was going to test Abraham again, using this son Isaac. The Book of Genesis tells us the story (Gen 22:1-14):

[God] said, "Take now your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering upon one of the mountains of which I shall tell you."

You must understand clearly: God orders Abraham to kill his beloved son and to offer him as sacrifice; and Abraham does not hesitate, just as he did not hesitate during the previous trials. He saddles a donkey, chops wood for the fire, and sets out, taking two servants and his son. After travelling for three days, Abraham sees the place which had been indicated to him in the distance and orders his servants to wait for him with the donkey. He puts the wood on Isaac's back, takes fire and a knife, and they move on together. Isaac's walking with the wood on his soulders up to the place of sacrifice reminds us of the Lord Jesus' carrying His Cross up to Golgotha.
The story continues. Isaac asks his father, "Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" And Abraham answers, "God will provide Himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." Upon reaching the place which had been indicated indicated, Abraham builds an altar, puts down the wood, and ties Isaac upon the altar. But at the moment he takes up the knife to destroy his son, the angel of the Lord calls to him and says, "Do not lay your hand on the lad or do anythingto him; for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Then Abraham sees a ram caught by its horns in a bush and offers it as a sacrifice instead of his son. Abraham called this place, "The Lord provides."Then the angel of renews God's promise to Abraham: "I will indeed bless you, and I will multiply your descendants as the stars of heaven as the sands which is on the seashore. And your descendants shall possess the gate of their enemies, and by your descendants shall all the nations of the earth bless themselves, because you have obeyed my voice" (Gen 22:17).

The simplicity of this story is astonishing. It does not deal with Abraham's feelings, his anguish, or his fears. we are not told wheter the knife trembled in his hand. Abraham does not understand why this sacrifice is demanded of him, nevertheles, he obeys in a gesture of absolute faith. Isaac also shows total confidence in his father and does not rebel against him. The sacrifice of the heir of the promise, the instrument of all his hopes, which is demanded of Abraham, require a faith above all reasons, an absolute obedience and a total confidence in God. Abraham is convinced that, in spite of all appearances, God will keep His promise. Once again, we are clearly shown that the history of salvation is made up not only of God's decisions but also of man's will, when a man knows that his hope is rooted only in God: "Thy will be done."

The Living God: A chatechism volume I - pages 147-149.

a little thought

My mind changes so quickly at times, may be depends on the moods. When I reflect on how I perceive things, I come to realize that it is a very tricky process. I need to have my mind under guard all the time. My tendency is to be somewhat to focus and fail to see some matter from the broader perspective or as my lecturer used to say, from 'the big picture'.

I do love thinking in the big picture too though. But may be under certain circumstances and occassion, I tend to think somewhat narrow and there I find myself in the sweet melancholicity. In this special time is when I usually find I am most humane with its tenderness and fragility. However, as it comes as the cycle of emotion and psychological stuffs in me, I better to anticipate. It is just like my Indonesian fellows who love to say, "Sedia payung sebelum hujan (that is, prepare the umbrella before it rains)."

Feeling low is good. But it is a tricky path to deal with it and what to do with it. Make peace with ourselves I think is the first thing to do. That is to consciously recognize the feeling without reacting, repressing or denying it. In short, face reality. I have often heard that hard times is a perfect time to sharpen us. Yet, when I jump down and flow with it, I can't exactly tell that what I am facing now is a hard time. It's just an ordinary time which asks me a slightly more readiness. Everything in God's hands is blessing. He is a good God.

I now realize that detention time to reflect and be silent is so important. It is due to my nature and limitation. In silence and prayer, we wait for the Lord to comfort and to fill us with the pure consolation which strengthen us with strength unknown. Walk slowly, breath deliberately and always have God in our mind and heart! Glory to You, O God! Glory to You!

I am fine

two words for today: good and excited...........................
that's all.

I bet I won't write blog for unknown period of time.... simply don't want...

^^^^ start being silly :D but I am serious. I am silly.

I expect...

life ahead will be more bumpy
with enemies laugh at me
and call me coward
saying harsh things which will be a fuel for the fire
fire of love and mercy

the older I am it must be more complitated and difficult
a more space for others
a more urge to leave the comfort zone
the more desire to give up life for the next generation

I love the pain
there will be much more pain for tomorrow
so, I want to rejoice for the pain of today
more humiliated
more oppressed
until His Power made manifest

what makes it...

the thirst and emptiness
the fire and confusion
low and bent
lost among the chaffs

wait, wait patiently
until the time
cause the gate is near
even though narrow
just be cheerful
step one leg in front of other

God is good!

The morning was very cool today... It will certainly be one of the mornings that I will miss a lot in the future! Morning in the dorm, when the sun shines very brightly through the window in the back of our room. Although recently there are many thirsty mosquitos in the dorm (including the ones which hapily play around me at the moment), but I feel peaceful just being here and doing my activities. Psalms and praises for the Lord are very fit to be lifted to God the whole day....

I have been arranging my files on the laptop to be seen a bit tidy and could be found easily. It's been a fun thing to do. I was sorry to hear one of my lovely friend's, Lisa's Dad passed away today. May God grant her strength and consolations. Memory eternal! She will need to fly to Batam, Riau island tomorrow morning. May God grant her safe journey!

Bambang and I attended the English corner meeting! It's always great to be together and share real things in English with native speakers. God bless Eric and Ann!

calm down

Today we had Indonesian literature exam! This was the final class for the course and I am quite happy that I was enabled to join this class which ended today! I love literature, although I am not very good in writing. At least I can read a little bit so even for now I haven't produced some literature works, at least I can enjoy others' works and appreciate them. It has been quite stormy, not only outside but inside me. But praise God it is well with my soul. I just feel kind of tiredness (for which I am to be thankful) especially in my eyes because I spent lots of time today to read.

The loud music in my room made me a little bit less concentrating... but of course that's very okay for the sake of others' hapiness. I don't want to dominate the nuance in the room with the Turkish and Chinese music... I want to hear instead what others prefer to listen. Praise God for all things!

when it grows

a strong tree with a deep root

could stand still in the violent storm

what is more when it's planted by the river

a gong and a cymbal produce sound

a high and loud voice

a tone of majestic and melody of knighthood

when it is hit by strong arms of musician

smooth and rhythmic pattern on the tree's cambium

is a result of long circle of struggle and striving of nature

in the smile of drought

in the shadow of chilling rain

when the time is complete

the tree becomes bigger and taller

son of desert

In the valley, what do I see....
I see the wind blows the sands of the desert
young sweet lilies between the stone in the sideway
where the pilgrim used to walked by

In the valley what do I see
I see the little birds tweeting nicely
under the cacti leaves which has grown so high
without water, only piercing light and heat

In the valley What, do I see
the sleepy eyes of the travellers
who hope to reach the home with all their might
with the flute on their lips
playing the songs of the fatherland

In the valley what do I see

when the noon meets the evening

I feel a subtle change in my mood today... wait, let me think what causes it... Oh, I see... I am started being self-conscious again, that is I need to realize that I am a 22 years old man... I feel much younger than that. At times, I am trapped with the feeling and thinking that I am what I do... and at that critical time, I started tremble... because at this age, I literary can not do lots of things! I think I have been excusing myself for not doing and practicing practical life skill.. even as simple and practical thing as riding motor cycle... I am affraid that what my supervisor said (even only jokingly and kindly) that I am a man of no skill come true... :P Well, I hope I will be able to practice it later in life if I am given opportunity.

Lord, have mercy... Thanks for all you've done in my life and thanks for little things that You enable me to do. Work in me, O Lord... for your glory!

as it is

I feel and realize that I am dreaming at times. And that made me feel a schorching light as I am awake (what am I saying? #&*@*@ :P). I had a really good time this morning as I sat in the library interviewed by one of my friends for her litenary journalism project, I was really happy for her patience and that she is a very good listener, may God grant her success for her assignment! I really miss to read the work of Lao zi about non actions and acceptance of life as it is. I think it would give me some inspirations to be awake a little bit from my dreams (well, actually I don't have dream... I just can't find the right word :P). Or, at least I need to learn to be patient!

I don't know what to write now... but it's definely a day and I want to give the Lord thank for all things He allows to happen... I am really waiting for the Typika prayers together tomorrow. Well, and at least for this year, I really expect to be able to attend to at least one Divine Liturgy... I think I will need to wake up earlier tomorrow to iron my clothes before I am going to this special occasion! And ofcourse, for Sunday Chapel too..

Thank you, Lord!

to be less of me and more of Christ

Today has been full of joy... Praise the Lord for His abundant goodness and mercy to His little servant. The final paper was finally handed in to my supervisor and waited to be corrected... And I got very amazing gifts which arrived today from a very special person, thanks, Dad... I really love the words which are on the papers, very turthful and beautiful. It's great!! I really love it.

And it's great for me to get the news from Andy and Lily that this Sunday we will have Typica prayers together! Glory to You, O God! Glory to You... I can't wait to be there and worship God together... Thank God for everything... May the Lord be glorified, and strengthen your little servant to glorify You as long as I live!

Thank you, Lord!

Draft 1 is done

Praise God, today was an expected day... the first draft of the final paper has just been done. However, it has not been tested by 'fire' of revisions (&#^^). So, I am better to be ready with whatever which will come next, in the Lord's mercy!

Today we had really good time in the English corner community at MYC southern corner at 7 pm with Eric and Angela and 19 others. We loved to share and talked to each other in English! Our topic today was.... dating! ;) We learned some new idioms, really fancy and funny idioms like 'to have a thing', 'to be an item' and 'fall head over the heels'. May the Lord continue bless them and their ministry in this campus. We'll have time to watch movie together soon on Valentine's day! Hmm, this week will still continue with the Indonesian Literature course and Litenary journalism assignment!

Thank you, Lord!

it's near

I was really focus on my final paper today and I can feel the mood of doing it. Chapter iv will surely be done yesterday, God willing. I have now in my minds my friends who also are struggling with the same assignments. There are 244 of us. May the Lord bless them and grant them strength to finish. What really comforted us today and this week is that we're given opportunity to measure the size for the toga that we're going to wear in June (@.@)! Hmm.. at least it can give us a ray of hope and optimism that one day we will be graduated, and the days are near! Praise God!

It's very good when I feel that somehow my heart is a bit more open for my friends and feel a positive difference when interact with other people. This made me feel I want to stay sometime longer here in UPH. Well, life must go on and I need to receive with open hand and welcome with open arms all that the Lord sends me. He is faithful and beyond good.

Oops, my laundry!! Sorry I almost forget you (*#@#(*#*(#!!)... I hope I can deal with it sometime soon. My room is clean today ;) and I feel nice staying here. My flue has gone and I can smile without itchy nose :P although I am still sneezing in some hours interval. But everything is good and cool today!

Thank you, Lord!

special day

Today went so well! Praise God... and especially because today is really special day: my Dad's birthday! May God bless him and pour out His faithfulness and kindness to him!

I feel much better today, although my nose was scratchy :P. But it's fine because it's gone now... I mean not my nose but the scratchy-ness! And I could do activities smoothly. Hm hm., the final paper, that's what I have been working on these days.. the due date is getting closer and closer, March 07. Chapter iv is on the finish doorway... Praise the Lord. Still in Indonesian litterature course until this Friday... hmm, sounds exciting.

Thank you, Lord

day down

I am somehow tired today and the mood is not very well. Hmm, I wish I can be more cheerful :D. And I am so glad anyway that today I received a really beautiful icon of St. Nikolai of Zicha which now in my icon corner! Praise God!

It's strange sometimes that suddenly I feel terribly lonely and the world becomes a threat! But I need to deal with it and face reality. Since one part from the world uniqueness is its uncertainty... So many things in this life are unpredictable, yet it can be fun games I think: a life games? (I am certainly blind in term of any game... there's not this word in my dictionary; there may be the lexical definition but not the operational one...). I learn to enjoy it chunk by chuck, bit by bit, may be sooner or later I will be more familiar with bitter-sweet of life in very real manner.

It also makes me realize that I can not rely but to God for everything! Lord, help me! Knowing that the Lord is merciful and knows best, I keep thanking Him and ask his mercy for this weak servant which is being earthbound. I feel I am getting slightly sick, a light flu and I am going to take some rest soon. I need to do my paper, and I trust the Lord who gives me strength to do what pleases Him!

Thank you, Lord!

Lord is good!

All of sudden many things becomes interesting: learning languages, watching movies, reading books, etc... But there is one thing is really urgent now: my final paper. Praise the Lord that today has been so productive day and it's been nice day so far. Saturday in our dorm is a calm and peaceful one. Many of my friends decide not to eat in the morning so that they may have longer time to sleep and take some rest after such a long week (that is to wake up a bit later in the day).

Hmm, but missing the early smile of the sun is kind of shame ;)! It's rainy here almost the whole day, so the nuance is very good to sit behind the laptop screen to write and do the assignments! I made a video call with my Dad and it was very nice. I will surely need to do my paper again soon!

Just before I wrote this post, there was some electricity problem so we had to stop our activities for awhile. To fill the time, my friends Haryo, Dwi, Zelia and Jelda walked around the campus and took some photographs! It's really nice!

Thank you, Lord!

catch up from yesterday

Friday... one of days which seems and feels a little bit shorter than other days in the week! May be because it started very early with my heart had to (#%#!!) beat faster because I was expected to meet Mr. Dylmoon, my final paper supervisor!! Hm, yet I have to face it, so why not just flow with the stream.... I just needed to follow these simple procedures: wake up, dress up and cheer up; then going down to Campus and meet him.

With the sweetest smile that I could make, I went down to the campus and intended to get my paper done. I was arrived a bit earlier than the schedule and really wished to have the meeting done successfully. Now, time to call and come in to the office! Yuhuy....!

"It's unanswered"
" Oh, OK... Let me try again later"

Then I waited another hour and he's not there.... Alright, I guess I am lucky because I will have another time to re-read my paper again in the coming week before meeting him next Friday! Praise God ;)! My best wishes for my paper supervisor, may be he's in the classes. Hope we can meet another time and get our project done by God's mercy.

***

Everybody wore red T-Shirt last night, and we sang some Chinese-themed songs in the Friday Night Chapel ;). it's nice! I took a photograph under the willow tree and the lantern :P 30 minutes before the service starts! What a day!

Thank you, Lord!

Kiong Hie

Happy Chinese New Year to everybody, and especially for Fr. Daniel and Dwi: Kiong Hie, Kiong Hie! Hmm, actually today is really good. I am still striving to do my best for chapter four.. hmm, I have a tendency to get distracted quite easily recently. What I mean is, the feeling of wanting to stay away from my laptop or final paper after 15 minutes.. (:D:D). So, here is the deal: I make up music play list (a little bit long, up to 2 hours) and I make a commitment to myslef not to depart from the final paper before the playlist ends! And it helps! Praise God! Oh, it's real struggle for me right now, and the major reason for this is because I do not really 'in mood' to write the paper, since it's somewhat lengthy and I dunno much to write on it for the moment! But I trust God who keeps strengthen me and provides all things for His glory! May be (and I hope) one day when I read this post again, I will smile and praising for the deliverance from God!

I have been reading and learning in my spare time countries like Armenia, Vietnam and Syria! Very exciting to read those countries and especially for Syria, it is interesting that half of the population is less than 30 years old: what a young country! I am also heading on Chapter 6 of the Living God, been a fascinating reading. I missed breakfast today because I woke up late (^$@&##!!!), I think I need to wake up earlier tomorrow.... Eggs, eggs! Nice to eat the boiled eggs with my friends! :D

Thanks, Lord! ;)

I am in God's hands

Tested and strengthened! Praise be to God! It is through some little things or statements made by my friends and those who are around me that the Lord train me and sustain me from day to day. Like today, I heard some poignant comments from my supervisor which directed to my personality. Hm... it doesn't sound much fun, but it is obvious that I need to learn.

If there is something I need to learn these days, it is about letting go, not taking offense. Peaceful indeed when I could appreciate whatever others choose and decide to say to us. Simply appreciate, without prejudice... listen and not attacking back... even if it is harsh criticism. I love the idea of appreciating freedom. My supervisor has his freedom of choice to say and to decide.. and in the grace of God, I also have freedom, that is freedom to love!

I am amazed that I have just realized it now, that letting go and holding no offense is really peaceful and liberating! So, it needs practice to simply listen and give attention to what others must say about us, regardless of its truth or falsehood... just accept it and trust the Lord!

And today, I was really excited with the Indonesian Literature course in which we discussed a lot of things about poem and litteratures. That makes me want to make some poems ;) but may be later on... :P:P I've been reading a very brilliant book that my Dad gave me, The Living God Volume I. Really really good book to read and inspiring! Just watched the Ostrov and that makes me want to pray!! :D

Thank you, Lord!

sufficient day

As usual, this is such a long day... Many people often say of a day more than 24 hours... well... I think it's just enough 24 hours :D because with this amount of hours yet many things can happen ;).
I simply can't tell in words how peaceful this morning was! I simply feel walking on the clouds, so tender and nice. Is that because of the dragon fruit?? (%%&%*%##$@ :D) But Dragon fruit juice is very great! Just tasted and realized it today. Sitting at the park, silencing my mind and observing some people's interaction is pretty good idea in the morning. Praise God for all things!

The library must have been familiar with my presence: there I did a few lines to be added to my final paper (that's very little ;)). Smiles and greetings from my friends have their magical power to me to pass through the day. It's been not very good lately that I tend to have very short attention span (10-15 minutes). My best guess is because I am somehow tired, distracted and a little bit unmotivated to do my final paper. Lord, have mercy! How glad I am when even I am abled to drop and add another line into it!!! Oh, Chapter iv, how could you seem very long and complex for me to touch you???? (:((((). H.E.L.P.!! Hmm.... break it down, break it down! I need to break it down, chunk it into some smaller fragments or pieces! And I need to get some therapy to overcome my tiredness and fatigue... How? What kind of therapy (what therapy LOL)? Hmm.. silence and prayer... I think both of them desparately for now on!

Some distractions I need to adjust.... internet, songs, musics, etc! I need to be more focus!!! Anyway, I am happy for F.E.B.R.U.A.R.Y! Best wishes in this love month (:DD)

Thank you, Lord

smoother

Library once again becomes my favourite station. It's been almost half year for me since I finished my work hour requirement. Praise the Lord for that! And now since I have to finish my final paper quite soon, I think it is better for me to stay calm and studious there in the glass cubicles of Johannes Oentoro library. It is really nice place to stay cool inside since recently the sun shone so brightly and warmly, that it makes us feel better staying indoor. One of my friends Dwi told me a very encouraging phrase as we talked about the paper: togetherness! Helping each other in someway can really help during this critical time. I do agree with him. Cayo, brata! (???*$%#)

So, it's a little bit commitment for me to listen when others speak that I may offer even small help which will make others be stronger and encouraged. And I am still thinking of listening as the greatest gift we may offer to our beloved ones! I can feel the difference in the room now. And it's love which springing ^^^ and the red thread was, because I imposed my perception on others hm... may be out of my insecurity and vulnarability. So now with God's help I decided to let others free... I am trying to appeciate their choices of thoughts and actions to me, let them act out of genuity, not because of wanting make me safe and happy! So, it's kind of being dettached, expecting nothing.... but to love them as they are (hmm.... it's only possible by God's grace! ).

I had the Indonesian literature course with Mr. Abednego! Yeah! Go, go go! We are leaning Jurnalisme sastrawi so I must be ready to make some narative reportage. How interesting, being an artistic (:P) news reporter! Today is really good day!

Thanks, Lord!

dinning time

"Crown him with many crowns..." the song magnificently echoed in the grand chapel this morning as we stood together in the Sunday chapel service! That's really awesome song and the organ too! Really, that made me brought into the 16th century nuance. The reading of Holy Scripture was from 1 Thes 4; and the sermon was from 1 Timothy 2:8-10. Well, really good to listen to the reading of Holy Scripture as congregation. So, that was how Sunday went and it is good! Praise God!

I was invited by a friend to accompany him get some food, so there I went to the canteen and got some juice. I love avocado juice since it's very juicy and refreshing. Sometimes I realized that at least there is good side of listening to a friend speaking, first in order to better understand what he or she needs, and to help. I am still exciting to read the Psalms in Russian... it's very nice (at least for me personally).

Final paper is still in the top priority, so I have to do it seriously although I am getting a little bit tired, cheers up!!! Remember, keep praying and trusting God. My eyes are a little bit heavy now and I need to take some rest, otherwise I would fall into sweet melancholic mood (???#?#?#? :D).

Somehow it's been really windy day! I was almost carried away when I walked (^^^^:D). Well, after all, I am still breathing and I am happy for that!

Thank you, Lord! ;)

meaning of trust

Da da da wowo (??#/%^/!! :D). Saturday is Saturday, I mean it's really beautiful (if I say beautiful, it must have something to do with bright sun and well-done plan). Yeah, and that's because I was blessed with the opportunity to walk with my friends a little bit to the south, deeper into the Lippo Village with Robert, Yogi and Suhandy to visit our beloved lecturer, Ms Enid of Australia. She is very kind and merciful. There will be no regret after staying with her and listen to her wisdom and faith in the Lord! Indeed it's really great! She's just back from Adelaide to serve God here in Indonesia. She told us that her trip was very nice. Then she asked us if we have any needs to be prayed for, and thus she blessed us with her kindness and spiritual truth. One line which dropped into my heart went like this, "Pray. Keep praying and trust God! He knows us best. Trust Him! And when your struggle is over, say 'Thank you, Lord', whatever the result is".

Yes, I need that words to be planted and carved in my soul that I may not forget: "Thank you, Lord!" He is so merciful and truly Lover of mankind! And... one more thing added to my surprise, she then said to me, "And Yudhie, I got something special for you..." (Hmm... sounds really good) and she took a thick blue book. It was when she handed to me I came to realize that the book has some Cyrillic letters on it which reads "Bibliya"! Yeah... Russian Holy Bible! What a gift! Thank God! Great, since I have also received so many special gifts from my beloved Dad some versions of Holy Bible and this will be a new one! Now, I would like to read Psalms and Gospels in several languages :D, in Russian too ;)! Lord, You're full of surprise!

And let's flash back a little bit to last night. I was in the setting where I had offended somebody because I had placed my friend's belonging to somewhere else without his permission. Thus, I must admit and said sorry! What a challenging task... Well, with the encouragement of my friend, that ice was broken and I said "Forgive me, I am the one who removed it..." It's not very easy... get to learn and learn!

Still watching the Japanese movie of Long Vacation (1996), which is very good movie teach me a lot about self-denial in very practical manner (that is not that so very heroic) to love others! Ehm, the music of the day is Chinese music (:D:D:D) as the Chinese New Year approaching! Well, time is precious!!! I get to continue my final paper as soon as possible>> The next intensive class will be.. this Monday! yeah ;););)

Thank you, Lord! ;)

well, it starts in January

Hm, so this will be my new 'corner' where I am trying to stay out of box. It will be highly non-intellectual and strikingly personal. My best hope is that it will be a good media to see how insignificant I am (what am I saying? :D), and to recollect events during the day which is very interesting (if any) or worth of learning. Yeah, at times it's nice to be as simple as possible, even being minimalistic :D in mind and in... whatever. In fact, this is one of ways which I think will help me to silence my adventurous thoughts, kind of parking lot (however, this is net... so, some ethical concerns may be considered).

So, what am I going to start with? I ask Lord's mercy to keep my mouth and heart in the praises of His name. Lord Jesus, have mercy! In the worst case when I don't have somebody to talk to, I will be silent or else I will pour out my concerns here. Very honestly, it has been kind of my hobby to write whatever... a kind of daily jottings, so I think this is the (secret??) place.

Today was going so well! Got some assignments done, and received really brilliant suggestions for the final paper :]. Although sometimes my emotions let me down, yet here I am: survive. Hard it is when I have to deal with it, but at times, I just need to keep watch and see. Only one nice tips: choose what is true ;). After all, I guess this blog is a little bit a silly idea but I can't help it... I like it :P. Although at times, I think too hard when it comes to deal with people and to understand them (read: sort of being self-conscious at times), but at least I can smile and say hi (50 points! :D). And for today's edition, it is time to push my self not to dominate others. I mean, not to seek attention to myself, let others be themselves and I don't want to impose certain burden to them (hope that doesn't sound too kind :p). As idealist :P youth sometimes, I feel amusement to joke around and listen to some inappropriate kidding :S, and I think I better listen to good music.

Hm... BTW, now speaking of music, (pop) Turkish music can be really enjoyable during the break time... and to sing along!! Well, Greek or Arabian music too are very amazing! Love them much!